Saturday, January 15, 2005

the fist post...I think someone stole my word

I tried to call this philosophobia...the name of my portfolio from high school creative writing class. It was a word that I had essentially invented to describe the state of things. But it wouldn't accept it as my web address which means that someone else is using it...imagine my disappointment...
I should have copyrighted it then but that costs money that someone like me never has any spare of...damn it!
Anyway...this is a fist post...I felt the need to have a personnal blog that wasn't being tracked so closely by my friends...
I love all you guys to death, and you will probably get this web address but I feel like people are trying to babysit my mood and that isn't what I need. I think what has happened is that a certain part of my brain is trying to regress to a point where I was constantly searching for something. You know what they say...if you feel like you are searching for something, then something is missing, keep searching! I am trying, but I have vent a lot of things...I have had a hard couple of years here...I have a seven year old child that I was left to deal with alone because her sperm-donour is a complete and utter bastard who decided he didn't want to play house anymore, because he had already spent all of my money. Then, from there I transitioned into a relationship and eventual marriage where I was being abused emotionally to begin with, but I didn't notice, it was too subtle. Then I was being mentally abused and I still didn't really notice...I just got quiet and reserved and edgy and I never really knew why...then the physical abuse started, and it wasn't just me, it was my daughter too and when I tried to stand up for myself he walked out on me...good ridance to bad rubbish...toss it in the bin and move on! No marriage should only take 2 weeks to get over! Why didn't I walk away sooner, hey, your guess is as good as mine...
Now I have a decent relationship, I think...I feel okay most of the time, but I also feel like I am slipping into a routine of walking on eggshells because he is having a rough time...we have no money, he feels hopeless and suffers from fairly terrible depression, both seasonal and chemical...he is a real picnic ladies and gents, but I love him fiercely, if only I could get him mentally to a point where he would remember that at all times so maybe when he is lashing out at the world, that won't include me...I take a lot of crap off of him because I know it isn't directed at me...I am just all there is. All of our friends have either moved, died or bailed on us...all we have is eachother and the handful of people that I talk to over the MSN messenger sometimes...he doesn't even have that.
Well, I suppose that was an interesting opener to a blog that no one has even seen yet...Maybe I will even come back to it from time to time!


Post a Comment

<< Home